Notes on Courageous Conversations

Last week, Ouida and I facilitated the "ReConnect" class during the Bible Class hour. This is a class of married couples who have been married for several years. Many of the families have young people in the youth ministry. The previous couple of weeks had focused on faith, repentance, confession and transformation on a somewhat general level. During this class, we hoped to bring these ideas into focus on marriage relationships. For those of you who couldn't make it, here are our notes for the class. We appreciate those of you who prayed for us and for this class. It really seemed to hold attention and several signed up for follow-up information.

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Great Sex

Canadian sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz, along with graduate students at the University of Ottawa, have done a ten year study on "great sex".

Below are the eight things commonly identified as important by those who were having great sex.

• Being present, focused, and embodied
  

--> not distracted by external issues of the present or past or fears of the future

• Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync

--> unity, understanding

• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
  

--> physical but also emotional and spiritual

• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy

--> communication

• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
  

--> understanding, trust

• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
  

--> God designed sex to be healing and transforming. But it is often damaging because of a self-focus.

• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
  

--> trust, freedom

• Vulnerability and surrender
  

--> trust, openness

Teevee -- Eve Merriam (read by Ouida)
In the house
of Mr. and Mrs. Spouse
he and she
would watch teevee
and never a word
between them spoken
until the day
the set was broken.

Then "How do you do?"
said he to she,
"I don't believe
that we've met yet.
Spouse is my name
What's yours?" he asked.

"Why mine's the same!"
said she to he,
"Do you suppose that we could be--?"

But the set came suddenly right about,
and so they never did find out.

Psalms 133:1

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!

God loves unity. Brothers, families, congregations and marriages are meant to dwell in unity. Unity does not mean thinking the same thoughts. Rather, it means that we share common goals, values and priorities. Unity means conflict is confronted and resolved in love.

--

What is "Unresolved Conflict"?

• Differences of opinion or perspective but with a component of power. "We" will do it my way.

• Each other's perspectives are not understood.
• "Being right" is more important than being happy.
• "Being right" is more important than mercy and truth.
• Hanging on the edge of change.
  

--

What are the effects of "Unresolved Conflict"???

• Does not "go away" with time
  

• Steals trust
• Like a hidden infection
• Half-hearted commitment (verbal agreement but lacking follow through)
• creates stress
• drains love

--

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed

It is vital to our marriage relationships that we resolve conflict. If we see and admit our mistakes, failures and sins, then we can change, heal and grow. But, if we insist on being "right" as a priority over mercy and truth, we will become stuck on the edge of change and our relationship will begin to decay. Change means death to the old way and learning a new way. Change means death to self and requires courage and courageous conversations.

We learned about Courageous Conversations at a marriage seminar presented by Chris Hogan. They can be applied in any relationship. So, you might want to consider how to use this approach in other contexts. But, today, focus on its use in marriages.

What is A Courageous Conversation?

It is not:

• Defending, explaining or complaining
• Being "right"
  

It is Ten questions to help us:

• Find mercy and truth
  

• Understand another perspective
• Understanding is not the same as agreement
• But, understanding is essential
  
• Explore responsibilities
• Seek a hopeful future
  
• Bring God's presence and power into the solution
• Define new direction

What "Courageous Conversations" have meant to us. -- Ouida

• Courageous Conversation questions..

Demonstration -- A volunteer couple

The following is from the perspective of the spouse who is asking the questions. The goal is understanding. It is not to prove who is right.

• Question 1 - What issue seems most pressing in your thinking at this time?

• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?
• Avoid self-defense, explaining or complaining
• Write down the issue.
  

• Question 2 - Is there anything else?
• The real issue may come out if the initial issue is not shot down.
  

• Question 3 - How is this affecting you? Or others?
  
• Seeking understanding.
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 4 - If this continues what does the future look like to you?
• Deepen understanding
• Gives motivation to change
  
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 5 - What is my responsibility in this?
• No defending, explaining or complaining

• Question 6 - What is your responsibility in this?
• Listen
  
• Don't offer suggestions
  

• Question 7 - What do you see as the preferable future?
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 8 - What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God to do?
• A good time to agree in prayer

• Question 9 - Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?
• Failure in this one thing would mean all other activities are futile.

• Question 10 - What practical steps do we need to take to make this happen?
• 20% of the things we could do will have an 80% effect. What are those 20% activities?
• Put these steps on the calendar or organizer

John 1:5-8

This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;

but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.


Note: When we start to defend, explain or complain, then we are essentially saying that we have no sin. In contrast, when we see ourselves from another perspective, we may see the need to seek forgiveness for our actions, words, attitudes or motives. When this happens, we are personally transformed and our relationships are also transformed.

There Appears To Be Only Death

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder." --Jesus (Matthew 19:6)

Dear X,

While I can not fully appreciate your suffering because I have not been through the total breakdown of a marriage relationship, every man or woman who has been married for several years, has probably seen at least glimpses of that pain in their marriages. Even though Jesus indicated divorce could happen, He made it clear that it would be like being physically torn apart. So, tremendous pain and suffering is and will be the result. Studies show that children are better off in a family with estranged parents living in the same house than when they separate or get divorced. Separation and divorce seem like a way to rest from the pain of the relationship. But, the suffering goes on through the children. And, it can be terrible to see their suffering.

So, while you have resentment toward your wife and no longer know the inner person, she is the mother of your children and the person that you vowed before God and man to love whether well or sick (and she is spiritually sick), rich or poor and through thick and thin. It's hard to say and harder to do, but if you don't fight this divorce tooth and toenail, you will join in the responsibility for whatever crop it produces in your children. Whether you end up divorced or not, you are called to continue to do all you can to be reconciled.

Consider how we rejected God. We turned against God. We joined up with Satan and gave him our loyalty. I did not desire a relationship with the Lover of my soul. But, God did not just turn his back on us and say, "Go to hell." He struggled for us through our rejection, ridicule, flogging and crucifixion. Jesus' life and death says, "I will love you even though I don't know the person you have become. I will love you even though you hate me. I will love you no matter what you do to me."

Even though you admit you are partly at fault in the relationship breakdown, you do not have to be a party to the decision to blow it up. You are the father of your children and, for their sake, you are called to lay down your desires for another love relationship and to continue to struggle in this relationship to give them a better future. I'm sure you realize that you do not have the strength for this approach. But, God will give you grace for it if you will determine to stand by your word and fight for your children and your wife. If you win, the bride you married that seems to have died will reappear someday and will thank you. Your children will thank you for fighting to keep your vow. But now, she will hate you for taking this position. You have been terribly wounded. Are you a man of your word? Will you keep your vow that you made to God? God wants to give you grace. I know you do not want to fight on and do not want to hear this. You can do it. Do it for your children, do it for the bride that you married that seems to have died, and do it for God who died for you to see you become his son. Pray for grace to be Jesus to your family. He will give you grace to carry this cross and even to be crucified. God can bring new life where there appears to be only death.

God's desire for each of us:
It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken,"
Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate";
But you will be called, "My delight is in her,"
And your land, "Married";
For the LORD delights in you,
And to Him your land will be married. (Isaiah 62:4)

Unconditional Respect???

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5)

A few years ago, a woman I know at work mentioned that she had said to her husband that he could have a big screen TV once he got some of the rooms in their house painted. Her words and attitude painted a picture of a competent Mom getting her lazy son to help out. In reality, her husband was and is a highly respected engineer.

Many of us live in two types of worlds: a business world where we are competent and move in relationships of respect; and a family world of love based relationships where we often face challenges outside our training and competencies. Often men do not understand how to live and communicate love as well as their wives. On the other hand, some women have difficultly with the command to respect their husband and may, instead, tend to love their husband in a way that communicates that he is just a big child.

Does Respect Trump Love?

It has been said and history seems to confirm that men understand respect and even put a higher priority on being respected than on being loved. Wives are often more competent than their husbands in caring for, understanding and raising the family. Why should they respect their husbands?

Husbands are given responsibility for which they will be held accountable. They are to be providers who give food, shelter and clothing. Fathers are to understand, teach and discipline the children. They are to lead the way in seeking God Kingdom and His righteousness. These are grave and heavy responsibilities for which each of us fathers will be called to give account. Even though no husband completely fulfills these responsibilities, every husband should be respected because of his calling and his efforts to fulfill any of them.

How Can We Show Respect?

While genuine love means laying down our lives, respect means to lift up. Children are not naturally respectful. They learn much about it from their mothers. Wives are called to lift up their husbands before their children and friends. A husband may lacking in many ways and may even seem to be little more than a boy at heart but he should be respected because he is called as a leader toward Jesus, a teacher of future generations, a provider for his family and a warrior against evil.

Being respectful means praying for them, working to help them find success in their responsibilities, and speaking highly of them to friends and children. Our culture tends to make fun of boys and men and to belittle husbands and fathers. Demonstrating respect for husbands and fathers has become counter-cultural. But, it is a key ingredient in a successful marriage and family.

The Cost of Disrespect

A few years ago, I was at retreat for Christian men. We were in a small group where challenges and needs were being shared. One very successful man was almost in tears as he told of how his wife usually expressed disdain for his ideas and goals.

A man who is not respected by his wife will be tempted to find respect outside of his marriage. He may become a workaholic, he may find another woman who seems to respect him, or he may just give up and drop out. Disrespect may undermine the very goals that are most important to a wife. Don’t wait to show respect for your husband or father until he has earned it. Express respect for him because of the position he is in and the responsibility he bears even when things don’t seem to be going well.

Finding Power To Give Respect

From the perspective of a wife's responsibilities, the success of her marriage and family may depend more on respect than love. This does not come naturally from Self. The ability of a man to give unconditional love and the ability of a woman to give unconditional respect depends on them emptying themselves and receiving God's perspective, guidance and power to give love to the unlovely and respect to the incompetent.

Project:

• Consider who is in a position of authority over you.
• Ask God for grace to show respect to them
• Pray for them.
• Pray for and Seek ways to help them achieve their responsibilities
• Find ways to lift them up before others