Notes on Courageous Conversations

Last week, Ouida and I facilitated the "ReConnect" class during the Bible Class hour. This is a class of married couples who have been married for several years. Many of the families have young people in the youth ministry. The previous couple of weeks had focused on faith, repentance, confession and transformation on a somewhat general level. During this class, we hoped to bring these ideas into focus on marriage relationships. For those of you who couldn't make it, here are our notes for the class. We appreciate those of you who prayed for us and for this class. It really seemed to hold attention and several signed up for follow-up information.

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Great Sex

Canadian sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz, along with graduate students at the University of Ottawa, have done a ten year study on "great sex".

Below are the eight things commonly identified as important by those who were having great sex.

• Being present, focused, and embodied
  

--> not distracted by external issues of the present or past or fears of the future

• Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync

--> unity, understanding

• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
  

--> physical but also emotional and spiritual

• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy

--> communication

• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
  

--> understanding, trust

• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
  

--> God designed sex to be healing and transforming. But it is often damaging because of a self-focus.

• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
  

--> trust, freedom

• Vulnerability and surrender
  

--> trust, openness

Teevee -- Eve Merriam (read by Ouida)
In the house
of Mr. and Mrs. Spouse
he and she
would watch teevee
and never a word
between them spoken
until the day
the set was broken.

Then "How do you do?"
said he to she,
"I don't believe
that we've met yet.
Spouse is my name
What's yours?" he asked.

"Why mine's the same!"
said she to he,
"Do you suppose that we could be--?"

But the set came suddenly right about,
and so they never did find out.

Psalms 133:1

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!

God loves unity. Brothers, families, congregations and marriages are meant to dwell in unity. Unity does not mean thinking the same thoughts. Rather, it means that we share common goals, values and priorities. Unity means conflict is confronted and resolved in love.

--

What is "Unresolved Conflict"?

• Differences of opinion or perspective but with a component of power. "We" will do it my way.

• Each other's perspectives are not understood.
• "Being right" is more important than being happy.
• "Being right" is more important than mercy and truth.
• Hanging on the edge of change.
  

--

What are the effects of "Unresolved Conflict"???

• Does not "go away" with time
  

• Steals trust
• Like a hidden infection
• Half-hearted commitment (verbal agreement but lacking follow through)
• creates stress
• drains love

--

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed

It is vital to our marriage relationships that we resolve conflict. If we see and admit our mistakes, failures and sins, then we can change, heal and grow. But, if we insist on being "right" as a priority over mercy and truth, we will become stuck on the edge of change and our relationship will begin to decay. Change means death to the old way and learning a new way. Change means death to self and requires courage and courageous conversations.

We learned about Courageous Conversations at a marriage seminar presented by Chris Hogan. They can be applied in any relationship. So, you might want to consider how to use this approach in other contexts. But, today, focus on its use in marriages.

What is A Courageous Conversation?

It is not:

• Defending, explaining or complaining
• Being "right"
  

It is Ten questions to help us:

• Find mercy and truth
  

• Understand another perspective
• Understanding is not the same as agreement
• But, understanding is essential
  
• Explore responsibilities
• Seek a hopeful future
  
• Bring God's presence and power into the solution
• Define new direction

What "Courageous Conversations" have meant to us. -- Ouida

• Courageous Conversation questions..

Demonstration -- A volunteer couple

The following is from the perspective of the spouse who is asking the questions. The goal is understanding. It is not to prove who is right.

• Question 1 - What issue seems most pressing in your thinking at this time?

• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?
• Avoid self-defense, explaining or complaining
• Write down the issue.
  

• Question 2 - Is there anything else?
• The real issue may come out if the initial issue is not shot down.
  

• Question 3 - How is this affecting you? Or others?
  
• Seeking understanding.
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 4 - If this continues what does the future look like to you?
• Deepen understanding
• Gives motivation to change
  
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 5 - What is my responsibility in this?
• No defending, explaining or complaining

• Question 6 - What is your responsibility in this?
• Listen
  
• Don't offer suggestions
  

• Question 7 - What do you see as the preferable future?
• What I hear you saying is .... Is that right?

• Question 8 - What is the most powerful thing we can agree to ask God to do?
• A good time to agree in prayer

• Question 9 - Based on the above, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?
• Failure in this one thing would mean all other activities are futile.

• Question 10 - What practical steps do we need to take to make this happen?
• 20% of the things we could do will have an 80% effect. What are those 20% activities?
• Put these steps on the calendar or organizer

John 1:5-8

This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;

but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.


Note: When we start to defend, explain or complain, then we are essentially saying that we have no sin. In contrast, when we see ourselves from another perspective, we may see the need to seek forgiveness for our actions, words, attitudes or motives. When this happens, we are personally transformed and our relationships are also transformed.