No Lack of Love, Romance or Sex

Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord. (Philippians 3:1)

Recently, a study was published saying that 20-30% of married couples have an essentially sexless relationship. They defined this as having sex less than 10-12 times each year. They went on to point out that this indicated major problems in the emotional relationship of these couples and opened a major area of temptation to adultery or pornography.

Like most couples, my Bride and I have sometimes had misunderstandings about sex. Many times this was caused by my failure to communicate my concerns or feelings. Sometimes she failed to communicate or I rejected her communication or feelings in some way. Yet, sexual difficulties or miscommunication can often be just another bump in the road of learning to be one in body, soul and spirit and learning to love each other with the love that God gives us. But, consistent, continuing problems relating sexually can be symptom of a deeper problem

There can be many causes of relationships being damaged emotionally and physically but one of the most damaging is a cracked foundation. The short and seemingly simple exhortation in this verse from Phil 3:1 is immensely significant. When it comes down to it, what is it that we genuinely rejoice in or want to rejoice in? What happens when we don’t get what we want from earthly relationships or things? Can we still rejoice and give ourselves to the Lord?

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. – Jesus

When we have persistent serious relationship problems in our marriage, it may be a result of failing to put Jesus’ words into practice. Chapters 5-7 of Matthew lay out the fundamental but revolutionary ways that Jesus followers should interact. These ideas are impossible if we have not received God’s own Spirit of love. But, if we have been spiritually reborn, we have the power to “do” Jesus words.

The foundation is not just belief. It is not just accepting Jesus as our Savior. Jesus said the foundation is putting His words into practice. Jesus said that those who hear them and fail to do them are essentially fools and will get the results or fruit of a fool. This doing of His words must begin with our closest relationships or we will have the outer appearance with the false interior (a hypocrite). So, let’s each individually look at Matthew 5-7 with new eyes and ask this question, “How does this teaching apply to how I personally should respond to my spouse?” Then, let’s repent of our wrong reactions and ask God to give us power to DO His words in our marriage and family. Let's strengthen the foundation of our relationships or lay a brand new foundation based on doing Jesus' words and experience the stability of having our house built on a foundation of solid rock. A house built on the rock of doing Jesus' words will not lack a heart of love, romance or sex.

Project:

• Let’s read Matthew 5-7 for the next week.
• Let’s look for something to change in our marriage (not our spouse).
• Let’s do what Jesus says even if it is different, uncomfortable or revolutionary.
• Repeat the above for 90 days.
• Repeat for 6 months
• If you are going do this project, send me a note letting me know of your commitment. (I will set up a forum where we can share and discuss what we are learning and experiencing).
  

When I was "In Transition" (out of a job)

For by you I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. (Psalm 18:29)

One of the things I learned about the job search process is that it is known as being “in transition.” When I found myself “in transition” with eight children at home being home educated by my wife, I was under a “little” pressure to find an income. The company I left had shut down an entire product line and laid off many people. As part of their parting handshake, they hired a third-party training organization to provide training in how to find a new job. As I sought God for direction and provision, it seemed that I should embrace the situation as an “opportunity” to learn. So, I determined to get all I could out of the training to diligently apply the principles I learned. This was difficult because I had not been a "people person" and did not like selling. Now, I had to learn to sell myself.

There were several valuable things I learned.

Have a goal or direction.
Be ready to present a “one minute commercial” of yourself.
Create a well written resume.
Get educated on the field and potential companies.
Diligently follow your personal network.

I was surprised to learn that 85% of people find a new job based on “who they know”. And, who you know extends to those who are known by those you know. In other words, if I diligently follow my direct and indirect relationships long enough, I will eventually find “the person.” But, I learned that there were some definitely right ways of doing this process and some definitely wrong ways.

I found out that it is vital to know what career or type of job one is seeking. A goal must be determined. When I ask my friends to help me locate a person to talk to, they need to know what or who am I looking for. “I’m looking for a position with a bakery” is much better than “I’m looking for a job.” The book, “What Color is Your Parachute?” is highly recommended to help with goal setting.

Once I had a goal, I needed to be prepared to sell myself. It was important to “dress up” and I needed to be able to speak about my goals, accomplishments and values. So, I needed a suit and a commercial. I bought a suit. And, I began to prepare for the opportunity to give my commercial. This commercial prepared me for this statement, “So, tell me about yourself.” It’s tough to squeeze the most important information into one minute. But, it was emphasized that one minute was the maximum. I practiced on my wife and the mirror. I must have presented my commercial dozens of times as I contacted different companies and individuals.

Another surprise came as I learned about my resume. I was told that I should personally deliver these resumes at the time of my “educational interview”. They should be hand delivered. They should not be mailed or emailed unless someone requests it in that way. This may have changed some since the advent of Internet based job search sites. But, even those sites still point out that the most effective way of finding a job is networking (see the quote below). There is information on the Internet about how to write resumes. But, I learned that it should give basic information about your experience, illustrate how you benefited past employers, and be a good reminder of who you were when they talked to you.

Who is getting interviewed? I found this to be the most empowering principle. I was supposed to follow my contacts out to points of interview. But, I would be going to the meeting to “get educated” about the career and the company in which I was interested. In other words, it was not a job interview. It was an educational interview. I would go to the interview with some questions about my proposed career or job and about the company. One of the most important parts of the interview would be when I asked, “Could you give me the names of a couple of other people that I could talk to about this career?” This question is vital and I also asked it on the phone as I followed my list of contacts. I started with a contact list of 30 people. By the time I found a job, the list had multiplied in size. Almost every educational interview also had this important opening, “Tell me about yourself.” I was taught that the interview was a coin with two sides. It really should be educational; so, take notes during the interview. It is also an opportunity to present yourself as well-dressed, good mannered, competent, diligent, and a generally valuable person. I frequently handed my resume to the person I was interviewing and asked them how it could be improved. Was there some area they thought should be expanded or modified?

I remember handing my resume to a senior VP of a company that I had worked for years before. This VP had been my division manager a decade earlier. I asked him if he thought the resume was accurate. He offered a suggestion for a minor change. But, then he suggested that I should talk with some of his managers. This suggestion turned out to be vitally important because he would not, as a general policy, hire previous employees.

My job search became “my job”. I left “for work” at the usual time and started my phone calls to contacts. If I left a voice mail, I made note of the status of that contact. Everyday I would scan my contacts for potential follow-up. I kept a set of cards with contact names, addresses and phone numbers. I had a day-timer with appointments for educational interviews. I wrote up post-mortem descriptions of the interviews and added contacts to my list. Thank you notes were sent to each person that allowed me an education interview.

The result of my job search education and “job”? At the end of three weeks, I had two job offers and a third was “in the mail”. This was at a time when the average time to find a new job in my career was 3-6 months. The job offer that I accepted was in a company that had an active hiring freeze. I became an exception to their freeze because of my contacts (that Senior VP) and because of the need in the specific part of the organization that hired me. My new boss, who actually hired me, was one of the people who had eventually appeared on my contact list. Another benefit was that my new salary was a significant increase over the old.

Today there is more emphasis on online job search tools. Some of the techniques and presentation may have changed. But, every employer wants to have the best information he can get about a potential employee. The most effective way to find good employees is through personal contacts and recommendations.

Here is what Monster.com says to new college grads about networking:

“Generally the most effective job-hunting approach, networking is simply talking to people to either track down helpful personal contacts or learn about job openings that may not necessarily be widely advertised or advertised at all. Start by talking to your own family, friends and acquaintances. Let everyone in your life know you're looking for a job, and give them an idea of what type of job you want.

If there's a professional organization in your field, join it and start participating in its meetings and other events so you can get to know people in your area of interest. Work with a career counselor at your school to both tap his contacts and learn of alumni from your school who might be able and willing to lend you a hand in your search. Finally, don't forget to tap your professors' connections as well.”

Even if you have a job, you may still be "in transition." I found these principles extremely valuable. So, let me encourage you to define your goals, create a one-minute commercial, generate a clear and selling resume, start doing educational interviews, and follow your contacts. Mix this with prayer and seeking God's priorities and you will inevitably reach your goal. It was by God's grace that I was able to overcome my dislike of selling and could learn to "sell" myself.

Strength To Love

When we lost little Caleb, we felt that the waves of grief would overwhelm us. Then came the incredible jolt of hearing that Mercy was affected by Down Syndrome. Then there were times of hearing a rebellious "No!" Yet, God has not let the waters of sorrow drown us or the fire of bitterness consume us. Jesus keeps calling us to look into His eyes and to receive His Spirit of love. He has heard my selfish "No!" and still His love has captured my heart. His love will empower us to pray, hurt and die for others. It is all too easy to give in, turn away, and sink into Self. May God give each of us strength to love, suffer and die for Him as He has loved, suffered and died for each one of us.

"After that ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you."-1 Peter 5:10

You have seen the arch of heaven as it spans the plain: glorious are its colours, and rare its hues. It is beautiful, but, alas, it passes away, and lo, it is not. The fair colours give way to the fleecy clouds, and the sky is no longer brilliant with the tints of heaven. It is not established. How can it be? A glorious show made up of transitory sun-beams and passing rain-drops, how can it abide?

The graces of the Christian character must not resemble the rainbow in its transitory beauty, but, on the contrary, must be stablished, settled, abiding. Seek, O believer, that every good thing you have may be an abiding thing. May your character not be a writing upon the sand, but an inscription upon the rock! May your faith be no "baseless fabric of a vision," but may it be built of material able to endure that awful fire which shall consume the wood, hay, and stubble of the hypocrite. May you be rooted and grounded in love. May your convictions be deep, your love real, your desires earnest. May your whole life be so settled and established, that all the blasts of hell, and all the storms of earth shall never be able to remove you.

But notice how this blessing of being "stablished in the faith" is gained. The apostle's words point us to suffering as the means employed-"After that ye have suffered awhile." It is of no use to hope that we shall be well rooted if no rough winds pass over us. Those old gnarlings on the root of the oak tree, and those strange twistings of the branches, all tell of the many storms that have swept over it, and they are also indicators of the depth into which the roots have forced their way. So the Christian is made strong, and firmly rooted by all the trials and storms of life. Shrink not then from the tempestuous winds of trial, but take comfort, believing that by their rough discipline God is fulfilling this benediction to you. - C.H. Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotional - Tuesday July 11

Mud Pies and Alan Bryan

If we have children, we know that it is difficult to take our children somewhere or teach them important things if they insist on their own way, won’t leave their mud pies, or won’t listen. I remember a holiday meal that, as a little child, I spoiled because I would not accept pepper on my potatoes. I remember being carried from the meal by my father. Who knows what blessing we have each missed because we would not listen to our parents and insisted on our own way? In our culture, it can be easy to forget that we are in a spiritual battle. Our work, finances, family and things can all draw our focus away from God and His Words. Our Father desires to help us, guide us and prosper us.

My son, give attention to my words;
Incline your ear to my sayings. - Proverbs 4:20-22

If we make no effort to listen but are constantly distracted by other interests how can we hear the Lover of our soul? Today, let’s take some time to turn off the distractions and focus on God’s Word, His love, His nature and His mission for each of us. Let’s do it every day.

Do not let them depart from your sight;
Keep them in the midst of your heart.

When does God Word come before our eyes? God’s Word should be constantly circulating within our thinking. Let’s chose a bit of God’s Word to memorize and meditate on this week. Let’s put His Word on the walls of our thinking because it will change our thoughts, feelings, and actions. If our thinking moves in better paths, our lives will inevitably begin to move in better paths.

For they are life to those who find them,
And health to all their whole body.

Many of us are full to overflowing of knowledge, tidbits of interesting stuff and exciting entertainment while our spirits are dying of starvation. In contrast, if our spirit is well fed, then our emotions will have a steady anchor point, our minds will have a sure guide, our relationships will thrive, and even our bones will be strengthened. Most importantly, our Father can guide us, teach us, bless us and we can bless Him and accomplish His goals if we will give Him our attention and have a heart to obey.

This is exemplified by Alan Bryan who went to be with Father on July 4. As an adult, Alan saw a close friend die after missing opportunities to speak to his friend about Jesus. As a result, Alan turned from an ordinary life of distraction and sought to bring as many as he could into God’s Kingdom. We recently spoke to a young lady who told us that her father repented and became a follower of Jesus at a meeting led by Alan. She said that her whole family had been wonderfully blessed by the change in her father. Who knows what incredible fruit God was able to bring from the seeds planted by Alan. None of us has very much longer to live. Let’s not waste our time on an ordinary life dissipated in meaningless mud pies and worldly distractions.